Only To Be Taken Away

And as quickly joy can be taken away. Men will be men, but maybe one day they will understand- no one likes to be the wishbone.

I've said it before. Sahnka tends to be the loner because often his words come out harsher than most people like. It is not because he does not care about people. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is because Sahnka cares so deeply that he gets so passionate about it. Sometimes that passion leads him to speak wrongly, or too bluntly, or even sometimes just plain make a mess of things. The point of that is that at least he cares. He is not one of those men so wrapped up in his own life that others do not matter to him. He feels the pull of Tribe, and he feels it all the way to the very core of who he is.

That led him to speak to the Ubar on other matters. I could tell it was not going well. I understood what he was trying to say. He understood what he was trying to say, but apparently we were the only two. Sahnka, being Sahnka, got more and more upset when it felt like he was not being heard. The Ubar was LISTENING, but I don't think he was hearing what Sahnka was trying to say. For what ever reason - the words too harsh, the words not chosen right - the obvious thing was that neither man was hearing the other despite the fact they were trying to listen. Really, really trying to listen, too.

Bad things happen when both parties truly do want to listen, but they can't seem to HEAR the other. Misunderstandings lead to anger, and those watching are left baffled and confused. Why? Because it is one of those 'huh' things. How could they not hear just how much of what they were saying they were agreeing with each other. Blame, in such issues, is pointless at this point.

He asked Sahnka if he wanted to sit at the First Fires.

Sahnka, angry and hurt at this point, said no.

I was given a choice. The man I have loved as long as I can remember, or the First Fires which I have deep- personal reasons for wishing to join.

Isn't it grand to have your dreams given to you with one hand and ripped away with the other?

Men, will be men. I understand that.

The problem is the stubborn oafs never see that dropping that pebble effects everyone. The ripples washed over me, but - choices had to be made.

Dreams Do Come True

Dreams held close to the chest, whispered hopes to the drifting clouds. Maybe the Skies really were listening?

I came to the fire to find Sahnka speaking to the Ubar, and that alone surprised me. Sahnka is, and always has been, more of a loner. He tends to be a bit harsh in his words, and he knows that just dosn't sit will with some. He had chosen to come to the fires without prodding, and at first I had no idea why.

He wanted to speak to the Ubar, and it did not take long for the drift of the conversation to reach my ears. The Ubar called me over to ask me if I loved Sahnka. The question startled me with its bluntness. The answer I gave was the true one, but it was also the simple answer. Of course I love Sahnka. I have loved him since I was a child. I have loved him since I understood what love is. I kept my love to myself, and I watched as his life carried him on another path while my heart broke silently within my chest. I kept my pain to myself, for it wasn't right to inflict it on others.

When the Bride Price was agreed upon I thought my heart would explode with joy. I wanted something to pinch me to make sure I was awake. I did not make a big, tearful sort of display - but inside I suddenly felt like girl with her nose first pierced and happy. I felt as if in that moment there was nothing that could take my joy away, and maybe - just maybe - my Little Brother was right. It was my turn to be happy.

But - as with all things - I should have known better....

He Rides the Skies

Father's spirit is finally free. I will miss him. Oh Skies I will miss him. He was my father, and to me there was nothing he could not do. No monster or enemy he could not say. No story he did not know. No hurt he could not make go away by telling me everything was going to be fine. He was my Father, and he was my hero. He as also suffering, and it is good that is over.

You see, I love my father enough to honor his wishes. His wishes that I take care of my little brother. His wish that I move forward in life, and that I find happiness in my own right. That I spend my time not mourning his loss, but in celebration of his life. Those are his wishes, and the best way to honor my father is to live, love, laugh, and embrace my life. The best way to honor him is to not let Sixth Son remember that he was loved, and that his father was so proud of him he was near to bursting with it. I will keep his memory alive with the stories, but they will be good stories told with smiles and laughter. We will rejoice - his spirit is finally again free.

My Father

Maybe I should not have tried to keep my father's condition as hidden as I have. I am not ashamed of it. He was wounded in a raid, his head took a serious blow among other injuries. The infection that set in caused his fever to climb so high the Healers did not think he would live. My father has always been a strong man, and he surprised us all when he did survive. Unfortunately, all of him did not survive. He had changed, and in many ways that fever did claim the life of my father. It takes as much energy to keep up after him as it does my younger brother. He gets confused, he says things that are mean spirited and hurtful, he is prone to headaches that keep him in the wagon for sometimes days. There are good days where he is almost the father I remember, but those are few and far between. What the wounds and fever left behind are a different man. They left behind a man who often doesn't know who I am, and worse he doesn't even remember who my brother is.

I have kept it secret the best I can. Of course, there are some from wagons near us that know what is happening. They try to help when things get rough. They are willing to make good trades so that we have what we need, and they are willing to sit with Father on those bad days so I can tend to what needs done. They have helped find him when he gets confused and wanders off. I have kept it a secret because my father does not deserve to be remembered as this. He deserves to be remembered as the strong, proud, wonderful man he was before the fever. He spent his whole life caring for and protecting me. Its my turn to protect him now. Its just my turn.

It is hardest on my brother, but I never knew just how hard it is on this little boy who shouldn't have to carry that kind of burden. He is smart, my father's Sixth Son. He loves me, but he seems to feel that no one else does and it bothers him. He told the Ubar that I take care of everyone, but no one takes care of me. That little boy decided then and there he would do his best to take care of me. I wish he knew how much he means to me. I will make extra time, and he and I will go on one of our walks again like we did when he was little. I will take some food, and we will make a small little meal together. He needs to understand that he helps more than he ever knew. Every smile, every laugh, every hug just makes the days so much brighter. He shouldn't have to carry that burden, but he will. He is Tuchuk, and it is our way. I will just make it as light of one as I can for him. He still needs to be a boy.

Things are getting better for us, though. Sahnka has taken to taking my brother with him, and has started teaching him the things I don't know how to do. Things my brothers, the two that have lived to be adults, should have taught him. They can't be bothered to. They are ashamed of what has happened to our father, but they should be ashamed of themselves. Sahnka and my brother, they need each other. Sahnka gives him that man to look up to and guide him in life. He reminds Sahnka that life goes on. In their mutual losses they have found what they need in the other. It is good. The Ubar sent one of his guards home with us. The man has come in handy, though I don't think he knew what he was getting into. He has helped move heavy things, helped my brother fetch water, and when my father wandered off in mid morning he helped us find him. This man was good with my father, and he then sat with him for about an ahn listening and talking. He did not treat my father badly, but he did give him attention so that I could cook food and clean up after. Sahnka does that when he's not with the herds or on patrol, but it is kind of nice to have another set of eyes, too.

Sahnka

Sahnka brought Sixth Son to me last night, and I was so glad to see him. I was glad to see him out of his wagon, and I was even happier to see him smiling. It still isn't the smile that I remember on the bold Warrior I grew up with, but it is better than the way he has been. No one can blame him for his grief. He lost not just his woman, but he also lost their unborn child. That weight of that loss is something I can not even imagine, and I would never have wished it on even my worst enemy. I would never have wished it on Sahnka no matter what our history may have been.

Sahnka brought Sixth Son to me when I was sitting at the First Fires. The Ubar thought my brother was his child, and I found it funny. It seems Sahnka has taken to talking to my little brother about slaves, and when the boy announced this to the whole fire it was good to hear Sahnka laugh again. He seemed alive for the first time since he lost his family. It gave me hope that he might just heal from this. When we spoke later - hope seems to be taking flight in more than one way. I am not sure what tomorrow will hold, but I am - hopeful it will be bright.

Sixth Son and an Adventure

I take care of my brother, and I have done so since our mother died when he was still a baby. Sixth Son is a good boy, and I am proud of him. I worry, too. Am I doing a good enough job? Am I teaching him everything he needs to know? Is he getting everything he needs from me? I guess everyone who raises a child worries about these things, but they have even kept me from sleeping at night sometimes.

Sahnka brought my brother to me at the First Fires, and I was proud for them to meet him even if he was honey covered and dirt smudged. Cana, and another Elder I met that night Tarra, both said he was a good boy. It means a lot. I know he is, but I am his sister. I am biased. Hearing them say it was like a weight of worry lifting. If the Elders call him a well raised boy I am doing it right, right?

Sixth Son also helped make me more comfortable. It is hard to focus on being nervous when you are trying to keep a six year old boy out of mischief with new people. That allowed me to speak with people it would have taken me days to do so otherwise. I met a lovely woman named Mezoo, I met another woman named Kaeli, and I saw two women get claimed this night. There is a celebration to be planned, and I need to tell Mezoo that I will be happy to help with that. I have some warm blankets I made to trade, but I will send one to each of the new couples to celebrate their new life together, too.

Sahnka, now that is another matter all by itself. One that is going to need thought.

A Blanket of Sunshine

Cana, a woman of the First Fires, asked that I make a saddle blanket for each of two of her daughters. One is to be yellow and the other blue. I finished the yellow one, and I have to say I think it turned out wonderfully. I am sure that a young girl will enjoy it. It looks like a blanket of sunshine. I will have to seek Cana out to give her the blanket, but first I will do the blue one next.

I also met a man named Sahli. He is of the Drummers, and I will be making a blanket for an infant for him. I think he and his woman must be planning on either having their first child or another child. I didn't exactly ask if they had any children already. The look of anticipation on his face was beautiful. It is odd to use the world beautiful when speaking of a man, but it fits in this case. The look of anticipation of the birth of this child is a beautiful thing. I am delighted to be a part of it even in some tiny way.

My brother, my father's Sixth Son, wishes to be a Drummer. He thinks he does. It is hard for a boy not quite six turnings old to know what he wants. I asked Sahli for a drum in trade for two blankets. That and to let Sixth Son spend some time with him, and with the Clan. It will let him decide if this is what he wants. It is a good trade. One I'm proud to have made.

My time at the First Fires, so far, seems to be going very well. I have enjoyed meeting each of the people that I have so far. The list is not long. Yamka, Cana, Fonce, and now Sahli. It is a short list, but it is a good list. One thread at a time. That is how life should be. One thread, one knot, at a time. If one tries to rush through things the entire pattern is destroyed. We never know what the pattern of our life is to be, so why would we risk rushing it?